


Alchemist in Distress

by MaxinaJar



Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon), The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22627864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxinaJar/pseuds/MaxinaJar
Summary: Varian gets kidnapped by an evil wizard from the TAZ universe and has to get rescued by Tres Horny boys + Ango. Then they all spend some quality time together trying to get him home. There will be some angst, but its a Varian fic what were you expecting?There were no crossovers of these two things before so I'm taking it upon myself to change that.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 79





	1. Not again Varian

**Author's Note:**

> So this is set shortly after the events of Cassandra's Revenge but before Race to the Spire. and for TAZ, its set between The Crystal Kingdom and Eleventh Hour arcs.

Varian was a smart kid, everyone knew that. Even when he was evil and tried to kill the royal family, everyone could still acknowledge how smart he was. And yet, despite that intelligence, he kept getting himself in the worst kinds of situations. Most would call him a disaster, and that was very generous wording. 

The point is, he was pretty used to getting into difficult situations by now, so when he woke up in a strange unfamiliar room, it took him longer than he would like to admit to start panicking. When he did start panicking, it didn't last as long as you would expect any other 16 year old to spend freaking out over being locked in a mysterious room. 

'Ok, think Varian. What is the last thing you remember?' Well, he was in his lab working on a new project and he must have fallen asleep there again cuz he doesn't remember leaving. 

He sat up, assessing his situation and ouch ok that hurt. He looked down at his side and saw some bandages on his arm. 'When did that happen?' He couldn't remember doing anything dangerous yesterday. The project he was working on was still in the research and planning part, so experiments were not something he had been doing yet. 

And then he noticed the shackles around his wrists and feet, keeping him securely locked against the wall. Not so much that he was uncomfortable, but enough so he couldn't easily move around the room. 

'Ok Varian, don't panic. It's probably not the kingdom locking you away again cause they actually changed their minds and don't really forgive you for your crimes.' Ok, not the most reassuring thing he could have said to himself just then. He was starting to panic again, breath coming in quick shallow bursts. 

Blinking back tears, Varian tried desperately to think of another reason, any reason, he could be locked away again. But his mind kept circling back to prison. 'Why must panic and guilt make the mind so useless.' Varian bit back a sob, trying and failing to control his emotions. 

'Think Varian, think! Why would you be locked up again by the kingdom? Rapunzel would never let that happen.' And yeah, there we go, finally starting to make sense again. Once he had calmed down a bit, Varian went back to trying to figure out what was going on. 

'Oh, I've been kidnapped again haven't I?' Varian realized. Well, that was unfortunate. And embarrassing. Twice in one week? What kind of idiot was Corona gonna think he was now? 'At least they probably won't feel threatened by my presence anymore hopefully.' He chuckled at the thought. Varian, the once evil alchemist turned helpless child being kidnapped every couple days. 

'Ok, so you've been kidnapped. That's better than some alternatives but still not good. First question; who did it?' It obviously wasn't Cass again. One, there were no rocks anywhere, and two, he doubted she would just chain him up in a random empty room. When she had kidnapped him, she had told him she didn't want to hurt him and had locked him away in a place she could keep an eye on. So yeah, definitely not Cassandra's handiwork. But he couldn't really think of anyone else who would want to kidnap him. 

Varian was lost in his thoughts when the door to his room opened. He looked up startled. He didn't recognize his kidnapper, like at all. The man was tall and had long dark hair that covered most of his face. He also had pointed ears? Which was weird, but Varian wasn't one to point out weird birth defects (as this must have been. I mean, what else could it be?). His dad had taught him better than that. Still, the ears really unsettled him. 

"Who are you? What do you want with me?" Varian decided to finally speak up, getting really tired of this whole situation already. 

"My name is not yours to speak, little wizard. But fear not, you aren't in any danger." The figure took a step forward and pulled his hair back, revealing a friendly yet still unsettling smiling face, "I need you to translate something for me."


	2. Meeting with Madame Director

“You three are late.” The director stared down at the three adventurers with a face impossible to read yet vaguely disappointed, “...Again.” 

“Sorry, Madame Director, it’s my fault,” began the dwarven cleric, Merle Highchurch, as he stepped forward and brushed some dirt off his clothes, “I had a run-in with a lovely-” 

“OKAY, That’s enough of that!” Taako, the elf wizard/chef, loudly interrupted the old man before he could go into the details of their....setback. 

“Yes, please Merle, I am your boss and have no use for information into your personal life,” The director continued, calm face betraying none of her own conflicted emotions. 

Merle simply put his hands up in defeat and shrugged. 

“So, Madame Director, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Taako spoke casually, leaning over on his umbrella and staring at no one in particular, “Is this call for business or pleasure?” 

“Business, Taako,” She began, “We think we found another relic,” 

“Wait, think? Like, you don’t know?” This time it was Magnus, the human fighter, who interrupted, “Cause, like I thought you had people who confirmed that sort of thing before it came to us?” 

“Yeah, what gives?” Taako stood up straight again, the mock outrage on his face threating to be shattered by the smile that was trying to break through at their goof. 

“Ok, yes you’re right. Normally, that would be the case. We would get a lead and then it would be investigated and confirmed before being given to you three, but this is a bit different of a situation,” She sighed before continuing, “Relic or not, the thing this person is trying to get a hold of is dangerous and sending in anyone to confirm it would be very dangerous. If they died we might never find out whether it was a relic or not.” 

“So, what your saying is its a death trap?” Merle spoke up again, pulling on his beard and looking doubtfully towards the director. 

“No, Merle its not- I wouldn’t do that. You three are far too important to send to your deaths,” she stood up and turned around to look at a wall, “It’s dangerous, but I believe in your abilities. You will be in much less danger than anyone else I could send. I trust that you will be able to handle yourselves and the item.” 

There were a few seconds of silence before anyone spoke again. 

“You sure you got the right guys, director?” Taako said through barely suppressed laughter, “Cuz I mean, I know we have done dangerous things in the past, but we are three idiots getting by on pure luck.” 

“Yeah, I’m surprised we haven’t died yet!” Magnus said with a laugh, “I mean, with the amount of bullshit we get ourselves into, we should be dead like ten times over now.” 

“Twenty!” 

“Thirty!” 

“One Hundred!” 

“Eleventy!” 

“That’s not a word!” 

Madame Director turned around to see the adventurers in one of their signature mini argument goofs. Sighing, she simply stood quietly and waited for them to settle down. She swore it was like dealing with children sometimes. 

Once things had finally settled back down, she walked back to her seat and continued. 

“So, I expect you three to be ready and in the hanger in twenty minutes,” She added, almost fondly, “Unless, of course, you wish to continue arguing over who should have died more times?” 

“Nah, Taako’s good,” the elf said, before dramatically turning around with his umbrella on his shoulder and exiting the room. The other two followed suit, still bickering slightly under their breaths. 

Once she was sure she was alone, Lucretia allowed her self to laugh softly at their antics. 

“Oh, I missed them so much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna probably continue switching between perspectives for at least the first part of this fic. Next up, Ango!  
> also, i apologize if anyone seems out of character, it's only me second fanfiction ever so im still getting used to writing for other people's characters!


	3. The Missing Jewels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angus is on a case! Some jewels have gone missing, who could be responsible for this crime?

Angus Mcdonald stretched his legs out as he walked through Neverwinter's streets on his way to meet with his newest client. Since starting work at the Bureau, the detective hadn’t had the time to really work on any cases. So when the director gave him some time off so he could let off some steam, he decided to do what he loved most, solve a mystery! 

The crisp night air felt good as the kid finally reached his destination, a jewelry store that had recently experienced a break-in. The militia hadn’t been able to find anything so when Angus was called, he immediately took the job. 

“Oh, Angus. You’re here, that’s good,” The jewelry store owner called out to him. She had been friends with his grandpa, so they knew each other relatively well already; a big plus for him since people had a hard time taking him seriously. 

“I hope I’m not too late, Ma’am,” he said with a smile on his face. As much as he wanted to be taken seriously at all times during his job, he couldn’t help but feel excited. This was his first case in a few months and he was itching to be back at it. It felt like his first case all over again. 

“Oh no, you are just on time,” she sighed, “I just wish I had more things to tell you. I already told the militia everything I knew and I’m sure you have already read their report.” 

“Yeah, I did,” he admitted, pulling off his coat and sitting down opposite his client, “but there is nothing to be lost by hearing it directly from the source.” 

“Well, if you’re sure.” She smiled and then began to tell him the events as she remembered. Like she had said, it wasn’t anything that he hadn’t already read in the militia’s report, but he always preferred to hear these things in person. It helped him get a better grasp on the situation, as well as clear up any potential misunderstandings of tone and meaning. Those kinds of things got lost when written down, so he had to be thorough in order to not accidentally miss anything or throw the investigation off. 

When she was finished, Angus decided to take a look around the shop for any clues that might have been missed in the first investigation. Even though the break-in happened yesterday, none of the shop that was affected had been cleaned up yet, as requested by Angus because he wanted to try and preserve as much evidence as possible. He had been a bit worried because he wasn’t able to get down here right away, but so far everything seemed to be going ok. 

The story, as the jewelry shop owner recalled, went like this: it was late in the evening and she had just closed the shop. While she was tidying up and getting ready to retire to her apartment above the store, she heard a crash and then some shuffling. Fearing a break-in, she grabbed her broom and slowly made her way over to where the noise had come from. When she arrived at the scene, she saw a tall imposing figure leaning over her cases and swiftly swiping jewels into a bag. She called out, despite her fears, at him to stop. He quickly looked over at her and then just like that he was gone. She called the militia immediately after the whole thing was over, but there was no trace of the intruder anywhere. 

Angus was sure from the description that they were dealing with more than just a random rogue, he was actually pretty confident it was some kind of magic-user. That thought made him both anxious and excited. He was anxious because, well, magic users are powerful and hard to catch. They tend to be really good at covering tracks. And even if you do find them, apprehending them is another ordeal entirely, you know because of the magic? 

On the other hand though…… 

It was magic! The kind Mr. Taako was being so kind as to teach him! Angus was excited at the idea of maybe being able to use a spell or two to aid him in the case, even if he wasn’t exactly super good yet. Speaking of magic…. 

Angus pulled out his wand and started to focus. He wasn’t exactly good at casting first level spells yet, but nothing would be hurt by him trying. He hoped. Breathing in calmly, Angus cast detect magic. At first, he thought nothing had happened and let out a disappointed sigh. But then, he saw it! There was a faint aura of magic around some of the debris. 

Angus let out a small laugh, he loved his job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Angus! I love this boy but he is so hard to write for. I hope he doesnt seem to out of character here. Next time, Varian's back!


	4. Still not a Wizard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian figures out why he got kidnapped.

“Alchemist.” 

His kidnapper halted and then stared at Varian quizzically. “I’m sorry, what?” 

“Alchemist. I am an alchemist. Not a wizard,” he began, trying to sit in a more comfortable position, “It’s an easy mistake to make though, so like, don-don’t sweat it.” 

“Alright then, Alchemist,” The kidnapper tried the word out, seemingly confused at its meaning, “Like I was saying--” 

“You need me to translate something for you. Yeah, no, I got that,” the boy was a bit worried about what he would be translating but he was more worried about being chained up right now, “So like, what is it?” 

“A scroll,” The man had turned his back on Varian now and was rummaging through what appeared to be an old wooden chest. 

‘Oh god, not another scroll’ he almost groaned at the thought. It had taken him forever to translate the Demanitus scroll. He didn’t even know what this one was for. 

“So, what do you say? Will you do it?” His kidnapper had turned around again, seemingly having found what he was searching for. He was also now holding a key and waiting for Varian to say something. 

“Uh, I-” Varian wasn’t sure about all this. Last time he had translated a scroll it had been used to do bad things. He could always try and withhold the information again as he had tried with Cassandra, but who knows what methods this guy might take to get him to talk. He already had shown that he wasn’t opposed to violence if the injury on Varian’s arm was anything to go off of, “Why? Why me? Why can’t you do it? You still haven’t told me where I am. Or why I’m injured!” 

“You are injured because the spell I used to bring you here brought you in at a bad angle and you hit the ground before I could properly react,” the man placed the key in a pocket and then walked to sit down on a table Varian hadn’t noticed before, “And as for why I need you, well. It's because you are the only person who can translate this if my spell worked as it should have that is.” 

Varian blinked. What? Spells? Magic? What was this guy talking about? Ok, it’s not like Varian didn’t believe in Magic, he had seen Rapunzel and Cass use it too much now for him to say that and not be blatantly lying. But, that was two people. And very specific circumstances. This was some random dude who didn’t seem like he had any weird or magical things about him, but he just said he cast a spell to bring Varian here. 

“Well?” His voice broke Varian out of thoughts of magic. The kid had a choice to make, say no and risk this guy going to even more extremes of getting his cooperation, or say yes and risk letting something dangerous fall into the wrong hands….again. Actually, there really wasn’t that much of a choice here was there? 

“I’ll do it. Don’t really have a choice anyway,” Varian finally spoke. At least this way, he could have some partial control over how long this took. Maybe he could buy some time for Rapunzel to come to rescue him again. Oh, how he wished for his friends’ presence, being alone with some stranger was nerve-wracking and tiring. 

“Excellent!” The kidnapper was way too excited for this and Varian was a little worried about that. But it was too late now, his chains were already being unlocked and he felt a little calmer now that they were gone. The man then helped him up and led him to the table, where he promptly chained one of Varian’s legs to it and then laid a very old scroll on the surface. 

“Ok, There you are,” The man pulled a chair up behind Varian and pushed the kid to sit down, “If you need anything to aid you in your research, just shout.” 

And with that, he was gone, and Varian was alone in a room with a scroll. Again. 

“I can’t ever catch a break can I?” he mumbled to himself before picking up the scroll and beginning his research.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Varian, nobody ever takes his hobby seriously. Hes not a wizard! he is a man of science!


	5. Mission Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck it been awhile. sorry about that. got hit with a bad bunch of writer's block and depression. anyways, it's short and probably sucks but here is Taako being Taako.

Despite the rather distressing information given to them by the Director, Taako was rather enjoying their little excursion down to the planet below. He often got a bit bored up on the moon but could never really come up with any excuse to leave. So he was in a jovial mood as he and his companions made their way over to this “dangerous magic users” cave or whatever.

Or at least, he was in a good mood, til some rustling in the bushes revealed a troublesome child they now had to babysit. 

“So, Agnus, whatever are you doing here? Suspiciously following us on a top-secret super dangerous mission not safe for babies?” The elf inquired, feigning a carefree attitude.

“Yeah, I thought you were supposed to be on vacation or something. What are you doing here?” Magnus asked hoisting the kid up onto his shoulders as they continued their walk. As much as Taako hated bringing the kid with them, none of them were exactly keen on delaying this mission.

“Well, sirs, I wasn't following you. Not on purpose anyways. See I was on a case and,” 

“Ok, you lost me, I don't care.” Taako said with a loud yawn and a snappy voice. Of course, Of course the kid was working. Did this child ever get any rest? 

Ango pouted at Taako’s tone but continued telling his story to Magnus, who wasn't really listening but he wasn't really not listening either. 

By the time they reached the mysterious cave of doom, Magnus had filled in Ango on all the important details that would keep him out of trouble. 

Or get him in trouble. Could go either way really. For a smart kid, he was completely unpredictable at times.

“Alright, Ango, when we go in there, you had better stay the fuck out of our way cuz I don't really want to explain to the director how we let a kid die on our watch, okay?” Taako said, walking toward the entrance of the bad vibe cave. 

“I understand sirs. I won't get myself killed.” Goddammit, the way he said that was all matter of factly and adorable. Taako hid a smile under a smirk and strode along not giving a response. 

Time to kick some wizardly ass.


	6. Ham Sandwiches are the key to Procrastination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Varian learns that being a little shit is actually fun. Also he finally meets Angus.

“Did you need anything else?” His kidnapper was starting to get frustrated, Varian could see it in his body movement. 

“Ah, you know, now that i think about it, I could really go for a ham sandwich right about now.” he had to fight to contain a large smile as his kidnapper let out an exasperated sigh.

“But you just had one, not even an hour ago.” the weird man said through gritted teeth.

“Oh, yeah, but like, translating is hungry work. Can’t be done on an empty stomach and it empties one very fast.” He could tell now that he was pushing this guy to his limits. It had been nearly five hours now and Varian had managed to get at least 12 ham sandwiches out of this guy while getting nearly zero work done. He really felt like patting himself on the back for this one. A work of genius, though in an area he normally didn’t partake in, teenage shenanigans. Yes, he was considered “rowdy” and “not very well behaved” but it wasn't for normal teenager things. It was all for his little accidents while experimenting on stuff. This was full-on teenage mischief and Varian regretted not having dabbled into this kind of fun earlier. Perhaps when he got back to Corona he could partake in this stuff with Eugene. His hero did have a wonderful sense of humor and used to be a thief. 

“Fine, but this is the last one till i see any amount of significant progress ok?” and with that, he exited the room, presumably to make Varian another sandwich.

Turning back to the scroll, Varian let his cheerful mood damper again. This scroll was way too easy to translate. He already had most of it done, safely tucked away in his head till he could no longer afford to keep it there. So yeah, no problems on the translation part of this. But he just couldn't make out what exactly this scroll was supposed to do. It was just a bunch of riddles and rhymes with no obvious patterns. When translating the Demanitus scroll, the incantations had all shared an identical pattern of how they were arranged, lyrically speaking. But nothing on this scroll matched anything else on it. 

He let out a heavy sigh and set the scroll back down, taking another useless glance around the small room he found himself imprisoned in. It was very sparsely decorated, holding pretty much just this table and chair. There was also the old wooden chest that his kidnapper had pulled the key out of, but it was too far away for him to reach and rifle through.

Honestly, and Varian found this kind of funny to admit, the worst part about this whole thing so far was just how bored he was. The ham sandwich thing was entertaining, but that entertainment faded fast. He desperately wanted to get his hands on some alchemy. But he had none on him and doubted that the goodwill of his kidnapper would stretch enough for him to allow Varian access to potentially useful materials that could aid in his escape.

Varian had just turned back to try deciphering the scroll again when he heard a sound. It was fighting! A little ways away from the door to his room! 

‘Finally’ he thought with a burst of laughter, ‘A rescue party!’ If he wasn't currently chained to a table, Varian would definitely have been doing one of his signature excitement dances. 

His joy faded quickly though as the door to his room opened, revealing not the familiar faces of Rapunzel, Eugene and the rest of the usual crew, but a young boy wearing a weird hat and holding a notebook close to his chest. 

To his credit, the kid looked just as confused as Varian felt, so obviously he hadn't been expecting Varian to be there. Still, Varian felt immensely disappointed and slightly worried again cuz if it wasn't Rapunzel fighting in the hallway, then who was it? Would they rescue him? Or would they just become his new kidnappers?

“Uh, hi?” He was at a loss for things to say and stuff to do so he just defaulted to a shitty greeting, perfect Varian, not like you could be in serious danger or anything.

“Hello sir, My name is Angus McDonald. Why are you chained to that table?”

Varian just kind of, stared at him in disbelief at the question. ‘Why do you think I'm chained to a table in the middle of some randos house?’ Was it a house, Varian had no clue and honestly didn't really care.

“Why do you think I’m chained to this table, genius?” and oops, probably shouldn't get sarcastic with his potential rescuer. The kid didn't seem phased by his little slip though and just sheepishly nodded.

“Right, That one was pretty obvious sir. You have been kidnapped then?”

“Apparently.”

“Do you need assistance?” 

“That would be great actually,” Varian bit back another witty remark, he really didn't need to go pissing anyone off right now. The kid, Angus, came over and rather easily unlocked his restraints. 

“Thanks, Angus. Uh, so what now?”

“Well, I’m not supposed to get in the way so I suppose we just wait here for the fighting to end.” As he said this, Angus sat down on the floor next to Varian’s chair and pulled his little notebook back out, scribbling things inside it.

“Wait? What, we can’t just- What if they lose? What if they need back up?” Varian didn’t really like sitting there waiting for someone else to do all the hard work. He wanted to help. 

“I mean, unless you have any sort of weapons on you and some experience with fighting wizards I don't suggest you head out there.” Varian paused at that, Angus was right, he didn't have any weapons on hand and no supplies to make them with. He simply passed over the “wizard” part of the statement, not really wanting to dwell on nonsensical things at the moment.

“I suppose you’re right,” He reluctantly conceded and sat back in his chair again, now free of restraints but feeling just as confined as he had before they had been removed. As he sulked, his eyes slowly drifted over to the chest, now accessible to him, over on the other side of the room. 

“So, why did he kidnap you anyways sir?” Angus spoke up before Varian could get up to check out the chest.

“I don’t really know, he wanted me to translate this old scroll for him. Something about being ‘the only one who could do it’ I think,” Varian rolled his eyes a bit, still unsure if he should feel flattered or annoyed by the statement. On one hand, Varian loves to be praised and told how good he is at doing things, on the other, this could be a tactic to try and get him to do as instructed without a fuss. 

“Hmm, that scroll is probably the dangerous magic item the Director sent us here for,” Varian looked over at Angus again, who was lost in thought staring down at a frankly overwhelming amount of notes. 

“Ok, so I’ve kind of been afraid to ask, but seriously, what is with all this magic talk? Magic isn’t real, not like this anyways,” and now it was Angus’s turn to look up at Varian with confusion.

“What? Of course magic is real! Its the coolest thing ever! I’ve actually been learning it for a few months now and I love it!” He was starting to raise his voice in excitement and Varian guessed that this kid didn't get to talk that much about how he loved magic. It was starting to remind him of Rapunzel, which only put a sour feeling in him as he remembered that she probably didn’t know where he was right now.

‘Oh no, what if she thinks I ran off? What if they think I turned bad again?’ and no, nope, sorry, not going to go down that train of thought right now. Not with some stranger right in front of him. 

“Okay, so magic is real? I guess. Don’t know how but that seems like a question that can be saved for when our lives aren’t in danger i guess,” Angus just turned back to his notes with a smile and a nod. He hadn’t seemed to notice Varian’s small moment of panic, which was good cause Varian really didn’t feel like talking about his emotions right now, especially not with some random kid. 

He turned his attention back to the chest, getting ready to go open it when suddenly the door burst open again to reveal three most unusual figures. One was a tall muscular man with a frankly alarming amount of weapons on him. Then there was a much shorter man with a book in one hand and a large beard. And the third figure is the one which shocked him the most, a tallish man with pointed ears (again? This must have been some kind of prank or something.) holding a rather out of place looking umbrella. 

They also looked alarmed to see him, though probably not as alarmed as Varian looked. But they quickly turned away from him to focus on Angus, who was already getting off the ground to go great them. Varian guessed these must be the people Angus was waiting for. 

Varian watched the strange group in stunned silence as they talked about things he couldn’t really understand and didn’t really care to. After a few moments though, their attention was turned back onto him and the weird Umbrella wielder turned and pointed at him (with said umbrella).

“So, bubbelah, only gonna ask this once. Who the fuck are you and why are you here?”


	7. The one where Tres Horny Boys accidently aquire another child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian is so confused and Taako is suspicious

“Uh, yeah, uh hi. I’m Varian. And I’d- I would very much appreciate it if you would refrain from threatening me when I’m literally just sitting here doing nothing.” Taako’s eyes narrowed at this kid’s, “Varian’s”, tone. Little shit was being way to chill for the situation and that was suspicious as fuck. To be fair though, his body language did not at all match his chill attitude. The kid was tense but trying very hard to appear non-threatening. But something about his tone just rubbed Taako the wrong way and he wanted to know why.

“Ok, kid, look. It’s been a long day, filled with way too many baby stowaways for my liking and one just awful evil wizard,” Taako lowered the umbrastaff slightly, “I’m just gonna need to know if you were working with this guy or not. Don't answer yet.” With that, he turned and gave Merle a look.

“Huh? Oh! Alright one sec,” the dwarven cleric pulled out his Extreme Teen Bible and opened to the right page, “okay, I cast ‘Zone of Truth’!” Taako felt the spell take effect immediately and allowed it to work on him. He also saw Varian look mildly distressed and confused for a second, but it didn't look like the kid had succeeded in his saving throw. Good, now the brat couldn't lie to them.

“Alright, ‘Varry’, why don't you go ahead and tell us why you are here?” Taako lowered the umbrastaff completely and started to lean on it. 

“Well, I guess I was brought here to translate some weird dude’s old scroll.” He kept glancing over towards the fucking chest. Taako let out a sigh and moved so he blocked the kids view of the object.

“Alright, now do you want to tell me why you keep looking over at that mysterious chest in the corner?” He could see the kid struggling to keep his mouth shut, and that was definitely a bad sign. He was good at it, but in the end was unable to fight off the zone of truth completely.

“Ugh, I think it might have my alchemical supplies in it and I really want them back so I can defend myself if you guys turn out to be bad,” Taako blinked in surprise, whatever he had been expecting the kid to say, it wasn't that.

“Uh, ok then. We aren't evil so you don't have to worry about that.” Magnus piped up from his spot near the door.

“How am I supposed to know that?” Man, this child had some serious trust issues, not like Taako could really talk on that. But still, damn.

“Look, V, I know this must be very confusing for you, but we are the good guys. We were just making sure you were a good guy too.” Taako tried his best at reassurring him but Taako’s not really good at that so when the kid just glared at him more, he decided to give up and let someone else try.

“Sir, it's alright. These are the guys I came here with. The ones I told you about? They may be a bit much at times, but I swear to you that they are good people who just want to help.”

“And a paycheck”

“Yeah, a paycheck is a big motivator for us”

“Ok, they want to help and they want money. But don't worry, the person giving them money only wants to help. I'm sure she will help you too!” Angus continued, his optimistic tone not being deterred one bit by the interruptions. Varian seemed to contemplate this for a bit, before nodding his head slowly.

“Ok, i guess I’ll trust you. Not like I really have much choice right now. But could I still just try and recover my supplies? I would rather not be totally helpless if anything or anyone decides to attack us on our way to your ‘boss’” Taako was a bit unsure about giving him weapons, but Magnus was already heading over to the chest and helping the kid look for his stuff.

Eventually, they found them. A dusty old leather apron filled with a bunch of nerd stuff. But the kid seemed satisfied and that meant they could leave. Taako snatched the scroll and then they all made the boring trek outside of the cave that dreadful excuse for a wizard had been hiding in. While Angus called them a ride, Taako silently observed their new companion. He was looking around in awe at literally everything. He had done it back in the cave too, as they made their way out of it. He also had stared for an uncomfortable amount of time at Taako’s ears before he realized that it was rude and stopped. Honestly, Taako didn't know what to make of him. He was a scrawny human child who had dangerous chemicals on him and apparently knew how to use them, was experiecned enough with truth spells that he could resist them slightly after failing to not succumb to it, was apparently the only person who could translate this stupid scroll, and was acting like a kid in a candy store wherever he went. It confused and irritated him. 

“What is that?!”

Taako turned to look at what he was gawking at and saw their transportation. Ok, well at least this was an appropriate thing to be freaking out over.

“That bubbelah, is our ride to the moon” Taako strode over to the kid and slapped a hand on his shoulder, leading him towards the ball, a smirk on his face.

“...What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a fucking while. I'm so sorry. I got some bad writers block and had to work on other projects to get through it. hopefully the next update wont take as long!


	8. What do you mean The MOON?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian is on the moon and is not happy about it

Varian could not believe his fucking eyes. Literally. He could not fucking see anything. His surroundings were really hard to look at and gave him a huge headache. But apparently. He was on the moon. The moon. THE Moon. The MOOOOON. And why was he on the moon? Well, apparently, these four random strangers who saved him from another random stranger worked on the moon. For the moon. This was, by far, the actual strangest thing that had ever happened to him; and he had befriended the people who he thought were the strangest he would ever meet.

“So, anyone care to explain to me why it hurts to exist here?” That got a few chuckles from the one he now knew as ‘Taako’. The pointed ears still wigged him out a bit, but there were more important things to worry about at the moment. Like why what seemed to be an anthropomorphic dragon was walking towards them and why no one was freaking out at all. He tried his best to remain calm, out of politeness and a sense of “omg what if they throw me off the fucking Moon”. To say he was having a bad day would have been a huge understatement.

“It’s cuz you haven’t been inoculated yet, The B̸̜͎̆ū̴̬r̵̝͝e̴̲͑̄ȁ̷̞ų̴͙̍̕ ̸͔͠o̵̠̿̀f̵̠̒ ̶̹͓̂̒B̸̥̞a̵̩̍̇l̵̯̞͗a̶̘̞͛͐n̴̞̲͘ċ̶̤͇̒e̸̞͂ is not visible or knowable to anyone who hasn’t drunk the V̵̜̾̀o̵͜͝i̵͖͂ḓ̸̍̋f̵̧͋͝ï̵̞̐s̸̻̃͋ḩ̷͉̂̽e̴̼̋s̴͇̯͑͋ juice. Don’t worry, it will all make sense in a bit,” The one he knew as ‘Magnus’ said as he clapped him on the back and pushed him closer to the dragon lady, “This is Cary, she is gonna take you to get inoculated while we check in with our boss, ok?”

Ok. OK? OKAY?? No, none of this was ok. It was very much not ‘ok’. He couldn’t honestly remember the last time any of his life could be described as ‘ok’. But this definitely couldn’t be. He wouldn’t let it be. No. No.

And they were already walking away, leaving him utterly alone with the freaky dragon lady. Great. Just great. 

“Hey, uh, kid? I need you to come with me ok? We’re gonna get you inoculated and then you can get some answers,” Varian turned to look at the dragon lady who could apparently talk (of course she could talk Varian! What is wrong with you and assuming stupid things today?). And, wow she was being much more kind and understanding then the other five people he had met today. He was still a little freaked out over the whole dragon thing, but he figured he could ask about it later, when he felt a bit less bad.

Nodding affirmation to her, he then followed her to a small room towards the center of this, quite frankly, enormous moon. She opened the door with some sort of device on her wrist which he made a mental note to study a bit more later. She motioned for him to step in and he did but started to get confused as the room was empty and only housed a series of buttons on a panel. Nothing else. Wasn’t there supposed to be like juice or something. He could’ve sworn someone had mentioned juice.  
All of a sudden, Varian was aware of the room dropping downwards. It happened fast and with no warning save for the lady pressing a button on the panel. And then they descended. He immediately stuck himself to a wall to brace himself for the inevitable contact with the ground, a feeling he was way too used to by now. But it never came. Instead, the room gradually came to a stop and he found himself blushing in embarrassment as the dragon lady gave him an amused look.

“First ride in an elevator?” she said with a smirk.

“What’s an elevator?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brought to you by insomnia! But like seriously, i really should sleep after i finish posting this. Also, I dont really remember how all the moon base is set up, and i didnt want to relisten to balance at 4 in the morning. So forgive me if this isnt where the elevator to the void fish is.


	9. Another One?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia questions why she hired these three and Varian discovers the joys of elevators.

“What do you mean by ‘we grabbed another one?’ Another what?” Lucretia looked up from where her face was pressed into her palm, looking again at the three reclaimers she had sent down, and Angus McDonald who had somehow found himself among them. This wasn’t supposed to be a difficult mission. She had known it had a chance of mild danger, but nothing serious. There was absolutely no reason this conversation should have kept going after they had turned in the artifact, gotten paid, and given a short explanation of what happened. But things were rarely so simple when these three were involved. 

“We were down there, fighting evil dude, kicking ass, and then we found another one. Decided to keep him.” Magnus tried to explain, unhelpfully, for the fifth time.

“Exactly what did you find and keep, Magnus?”

“A child,” Merle added, in such a casual tone that it took Lucretia a second to actually process what he had said.

“You kidnapped a child?!”

“Well, to be fair, the guy we were fighting kidnapped him first. We just, reclaimed him i guess.”

“I believe the term is reverse kidnapping.”

“That's not a thing Merle, that doesn't even make any sense.” Taako looked the most exasperated out of all four of his party. Well, at least one of them was treating this seriously.

“And where exactly is this, child?” She inquired, hoping that her guesses were wrong.

“I sent him with Cary to see the voidfish and get inoculated.” Magnus beamed, chipper attitude slightly dampening Lucretia’s growing frustrations.   
“Of course you did.” She sighed under her breath. Now she would have to deal with that issue. A random child with no background check who had previously been kidnapped by an evil wizard? Was now being inoculated into the most secret society that existed in all of Faerun? What could possibly go wrong?

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And I have to drink this?” 

“Yep, if you want your answers you do. Also if you want that headache to stop,” The dragon lady, ‘Cary’ she said her name was, answered his repeated question. Varian didn’t really understand how exactly ingesting a strange unidentifiable liquid would help him in any way, but he was starting to get a bit desperate. Without any further prompting or questions, Varian slammed the whole thing down. 

“Oh, god, that’s gross! What is that?” Varian was nearly doubled over from the taste of it. When he was able to look up again, Cary was once again smirking at him. He chose to ignore it and looked instead at where the liquid had come from. Where before he couldn’t see at all what was inside the tank, now he saw the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on. A big, majestic jellyfish. 

“So, that’s the Voidfish..” He could only stare in awe at the thing, so captivating in its beauty. But Cary soon reminded him that they had places to be and he tore his eyes away.

He was hesitant to walk back into the ‘elevator’, he really just wanted to take the thing apart and examen every inch of it. Figure out how the damn thing worked. Maybe make it better. But there wasn't any time for that apparently as Cary now dragged him back on the thing. He had to say, going up was much more enjoyable than going down. Still kinda scary, but not nearly as much as unexpectedly falling. Once they reached the top, Cary pointed him towards the place where he was told answers would be given but then left because she had stuff to do. So, he made his way to the large and intimidating dome and then entered, startling the people inside. The first he noticed were the four he came back with, and then there was a stern-looking woman with a large staff sitting up on a dais with a small ginger man standing at her side.

“Uh, hi? Cary said I had to come here?” He managed to squeak a greeting out, but just stood still in the doorway.

“Welcome, please come in. We have much to discuss.” Varian obeyed and closed the door, stepping a little farther into the room, but staying close enough to the door that if he had to, he could reach it quickly. 

“So, I’m told you were kidnapped. By the evil wizard?” Varian nodded in affirmation, shuffling in place a little.  
“Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. You see, this is a very unusual situation we have. Normally, before being inoculated, we have screening done to make sure you are trustworthy,” Varian flinched a little at that comment. He hoped nobody noticed. 

“But, since you were kidnapped, my reclaimers decided to inoculate you without letting me know. So our screening of you begins now.” Oh, well, that didn’t sound ominous at all.

‘God I wish I could just go home’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so as soon as i get through the set up of this im gonna do some stories of varian hanging with people on the moon. so if anyone has anything, in particular, they would like to see, please comment!


	10. Background Checks are harder when you aren't in your own Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian and Madame Director make some discoveries. Also Varian has a minor bit of panic over maybe being forced into a moon cult.

Before they began the background check, Lucretia pulled Varian into her office so they both could be seated. She had to admit, this was not how she had expected her day to go when she had woken up that morning. Having to deal with an unexpected addition to the bureau who she hadn’t had the ability to screen before he was inoculated was frustrating, to say the least. But she wasn’t about to take out that frustration on a very clearly overwhelmed child. She had to stay calm and collected. 

“So, Varian was it? I really am sorry about all this, you must be exhausted.'' She pulled out some paperwork and started to sort through it while waiting for his response. 

“Yeah, getting kidnapped really wears you out,” He chuckled a bit at his own words, but Lucretia didn't understand the joke he apparently had made.

“Yes, I can imagine,” She took a second to look him over. He was skinny and injured, though it looked like his injury had been treated. He really did look tired and Lucretia knew she had to finish this screening quickly or else he may just pass out in the middle of it. 

“Alright, let's begin with some easy ones. Where are you from?” She paused so he could answer her.

“Old Corona”

She looked up at him again, quizzically. 

“Oh, I’ve never heard of that place. Could you point it out on a map please?” She handed him a map of Faerun and waited for him to find this ‘Old Corona’.

“Uh, I would, but it's not on here. Actually, I don't recognize anything on here,” He seemed to be a little distressed at this and, yeah, Lucretia was starting to freak out a bit as well. This didn’t seem to be a normal kidnapping.   
“Huh, well that is odd, but I’m sure there is an explanation for it,” Varian just continued to look at the map, eyes creased in concern. 

“This doesn’t make any sense, nothing about anything here makes any sense!” He was muttering to himself and she noticed him anxiously start to rub his arms.

“Varian? What exactly is your home like? How does it differ from here?” 

“Uh, well, first of all, there aren't any self-moving rooms. Or a giant fish that censors stuff. Or moon bases. Or wizards!” His voice was starting to rise as he became more distressed. “Ha, this place can’t be real! I must be dreaming. Any moment now I’m going to wake up and my dad is gonna yell at me for falling asleep in my lab again. I must have inhaled some chemicals. Yeah, that's what happened. Either that or I have completely lost it.”

“Varian, I need you to calm down. I’m pretty sure I know what happened but you need to calm down first.” 

“Calm down? Calm down! How am I supposed to calm down? I’m on the moon with a bunch of people who have a censor fish! Is this a cult? Am I being forced to join a cult? A cult of weird moon people who worship a fish?”

“Well, I wouldn't call us a cult exactly,” Varian just stared at her. “Look, Varian, I’m pretty sure the wizard who kidnapped you did so using a spell that took you from a different universe? If that makes sense?”

“Ha,” He laughed at her question and slumped over in his seat. She thought he might have fainted but then his shoulders began to shake as he began to laugh even more. 

“Of course, of course. Because my life couldn’t get any weirder could it?” He sounded almost on the verge of tears and Lucretia decided that this conversation could continue after he had gotten some much-needed sleep.

“Varian, I think we should continue this conversation after you have gotten some rest. You have had a long day and some sleep may help.” He just nodded as the laughter quieted down. “Stay here while I find a room for you to stay in.” And with that, Lucretia stood up and walked out of her office.

When she walked out of her office, she honestly did not expect her three reclaimers to still be there. Honestly, she had expected them to leave and go about the rest of their day, but here they were, looking bored. 

“Oh, Hello there Madame Director! To what do we owe the pleasure?” Merle inquired as she walked up to them.  
“I was just on my way to find a spare room for Varian to rest in. The poor child is very tired and in need of immediate rest.” The three shared a look before Magnus spoke up.

“I mean, we have a couch he can crash on till you find him a more permanent room?” 

“Why that's very generous of you to offer, I think that should work as a temporary placement.” She smiled, glad that this issue was solved relatively easily. Plus, Varian already knew these three, so he shouldn't have too much of a problem with crashing on their couch for an hour or two. “I’ll tell him the news and then you three can escort him back to your room.”

When she walked back into her office however, she found Varian fast asleep in the chair she had given him. She quickly turned around again.

“Ok, so a small change of plans, one of you three are going to have to carry him to your room. He fell asleep in my office.” She gave them an apologetic smile, but Magnus just waved it off and then entered her office. When he exited again, he was holding a fast asleep Varian in his arms.

“Alright boys, to the couch!” Magnus announced as he marched out of the room, followed closely by Merle and Taako.

“Oh, I do hope I didn’t just make a mistake...” Lucretia muttered under breath before heading back into her office to try and get some work done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was really hard to write. idk, the plot stuff for this fic is the hardest stuff to write. I cant wait till i get to write less plot-related parts. speaking of, which characters would you like to see Varian interacting with on the moon base?


	11. Soup and Ducks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Varian spends time with Tres Horny boys and also gets a little pissed off at them

When Varian woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he was no longer sitting in a chair. ‘Am I home? Was it really a dream?’ 

“Oh, hey, he’s awake!” 

‘Nope, not a dream’ He sat up groggily and looked over in the direction the voice had come from. The man who he knew was ‘Magnus’ was walking over from what looked like a kitchen, smiling at him and holding something. 

“Hope you’re hungry because I made too much soup” Magnus made his way over to where Varian was sitting, which he now realized was a couch, and sat in a chair close by.

“What kind of soup?” Varian leaned over to look at the contents of the bowl Magnus held in his hands. 

“The soupy kind.” He giggled at his own joke and Varian just stared at him, not really awake enough to even respond to as stupid a joke as that.

“No, but seriously, what kind of soup is it? And where am I? I’m starting to get really tired of waking up in new and unfamiliar places..” He grumbled, stretching his arms a bit before remembering that one was still injured. He winced and pulled them back down to his sides, hoping that no one had noticed. 

“I’m guessing this happens often then?” Another voice startled Varian and he quickly looked around to identify its source. Oh, it was the “elf”, Taako. Varian still wasn't quite sure what an “elf” was, but he had just decided to roll with the weirdness by now instead of questioning it.

“Well, not really, but more often than I would like,” Varian shrugged as he grabbed the bowl Magnus was handing him. He took a bite to check if it was edible. It was, though Varian was frustrated when he couldn’t identify what kind of soup it was, so he continued eating it. 

“So, kiddo, how often would you say this whole kidnapping thing happens? Cuz if it's more than twice a month, you have a problem,” Taako said, sitting down on the floor with his legs resting on the couch armrest. 

“Ok, first of all, I’m not a ‘kiddo’, I'm 16. And this is, technically, only the second time I’ve been kidnapped.” He sipped at the soup again.

“Hey, don't take too much offense to him calling you kiddo, he's over 100 years old, everyone is a kid to him,” Magnus laughed and reached over to ruffle Varian’s hair, which he expertly avoided.

“Uh, I’m sorry. What do you mean he’s over 100 years old? How?” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A while later, and the three of them had settled into a comfortable silence. Varian was, well he wasn’t really ok with everything just yet, but he was managing it a bit better than before. It was amazing what a decent nap and some good food could do for your mood. He looked around at the three people in front of him. Magnus was slowly but carefully carving a duck that looked remarkably like the alchemist, which was only a little weird. Taako was sitting and going through a book, occasionally scribbling notes in the margins. And Merle had fallen asleep on a chair not too far from where Varian was seated. Honestly, it was a very tranquil scene and Varian could almost be led to believe that nothing was off about it. 

But it wasn't all peaceful and tranquil. Magnus, though seemingly calm, was a bit tense and kept glancing nervously over at Varian. Which wasn’t anything new to Varian, but it was weird coming from someone who he hadn’t done anything to. Taako also kept glancing over at him, but not nervously. He was hard to read honestly. Varian never had any idea what was on the elf’s mind at any given time and when he thought he had finally figured it out, he was wrong. And Merle wasn’t actually asleep. It was painfully obvious but Varian didn’t feel like calling it out. Honestly, he didn’t really feel like doing much of anything. His mind was overwhelmed and he didn’t really feel like putting up any kind of fight anymore. Perhaps it was because he was now aware of the fact that he wasn’t in any danger. Again, he didn’t really care to figure it out. Which was odd, because Varian always loved to figure things out. 

Magnus glanced at Varian for the third time in just the last few minutes and something in him finally snapped.

“Ok, why the fuck are you guys acting all suspicious? It's really starting to get on my nerves,” Varian bit out, perhaps a bit too snappy. All three of his companions looked up quickly, Merle forgetting that he was supposed to be asleep, gazing at him with equal parts fear and concern. 

“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I just don't like it when people stare at me but pretend they aren't staring,” He lowered his head a bit at their looks, feeling guilty and unfortunately reminded of another time people had looked at with expressions like that. He wasn’t that person anymore, and he didn’t like being reminded of that person.

“Uh, it’s ok, I guess we _were_ being pretty rude, huh?” Taako said, getting up from his seat and heading over to the kitchen, presumably to grab a snack or something. 

“Yeah, don’t sweat it, little man, we all got those little things that make us yell. Like Merle, he doesn’t like it when you touch any of his plants without asking first. Not that anyone would willingly do that, you don’t want to know what goes on between a dwarf and his plants,” Magnus shivered as he looked off into the distance, remembering something awful. “Oh, uh, also this is for you,” And suddenly Varian is holding a duck. A duck that shares a striking resemblance to him. 

“Oh, um, thanks?” Magnus beamed at the “praise” and then pulled another piece of wood from seemingly nowhere before proceeding to carve this one as well.

A sudden knock at the door pulled the attention of all four current occupants. 

“Hello, sirs? It’s Angus McDonald! I’m here for my magic lessons with Taako!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this took forever to get out. a lot has been happening with my life and its definitly impacted my abiltiy to write. hopefully the next update wont take as long. 
> 
> ps. its gonna be some Angus, Taako, Varian bonding!


End file.
